8/30/17

Update:

Hi everyone,

As the world becomes increasingly phone oriented I just wanted to reach out and say hi.  Somehow this feels more personal and sincere.  Maybe it's because I'm taking the time to consider my words carefully with a hot computer on my lap.  Social media is not my thing and I don't completely understand it.  I mean I do.. people want love and attention and solidarity.  Me too.  But if we really felt understood and supported we wouldn't keep coming back for red hearts.

I just wanted to write because for whatever reason in the past year or so I've experienced these glimpses of a deep love in me for the world at large.  When I'm at my best I really do have this sense that humans are so insanely special and rare in the universe, and that the active ingredient is our awareness.  You can agree with this and stop there, but don't do that.  Deepen your relationship to it. Realize it more and more until it's absurd. Aliveness is!  And when it is absurd it becomes amusing.  And then you realize it's the only thing that is truly amusing, and that all humor is based on knowing what a human awareness would or wouldn't do.  And then imagine a world with no amusement or jokes, no relief from the brutal universe, no exception to it.  It makes me want to cry!  We are the exception.

I guess for about 5 years now I've been dabbling in different meditation styles.  Mostly at the center of all of it is a really simple goal: to feel and know that it's good to be alive and human - to be you - even while you are totally uncertain and struggling.  To be clear: I am a healthy white male who cannot possibly know the depths of human suffering except through intentionally nurturing empathy.  Meditation helps me do that.  It deepens my empathy and love and joy.  I don't want to skim.

I know that a lot of you, like me, already have knowledge and opinions and experience with meditation. I just wanted to write down my thoughts in longish form because when I see the way it is represented in the world it just seems like a joke or intentionally vague.  The words "breathe" and "love" don't mean anything by themselves but we throw them around as if everyone gets it.  Words, when used this way, are reductive code that result in solidarity with some and alienation from others.  Polarization.  You only get one chance to convey a new idea to a new person and if you are cryptic or overly poetic or vague you just leave them calloused to future attempts.  There are people who are so skeptical of love that it's just a joke to them.  For them, love has no place in serious matters.  They see these empty new age-y symbols/shortcuts/trappings and to them it's evidence that we have our heads in the clouds.  The thing is, skeptics are looking for answers too.  So they seek validation for the realities they know.  How can someone know love is distinct and powerful without it being central to how they were brought up, or having never even experienced it?  Where can they find amusement?  I guess they "troll" with their very existence!  There has to be more of a long-game approach to solving evil.

I used to be into this idea of "punk", thinking of it as a sort of reverse chameleon antidote to culture.  But now I see that is not enough.  Being opposite is not necessarily the same as being good. 

But that stuff is not the reason why I started writing this.  I just wanted you to know that I've turned a corner with songwriting and am slowly working on reintroducing myself.  I have a couple album's worth of material that I feel is my most organic and accessible work yet!  I might have been a little lost for some of it but it's all part of the story.  I want you to know that I will always try to use music to address things that deserve attention and raise questions that I feel are at the center of what's wrong.  Especially when I don't know the answer.  I don't know what else to do.

Thanks for your attention and continued support.

Love,
Paul